Anyway....

If there are any of you that regularly follow this blog, you may have noticed that I've been absent lately. I haven't posted for a few weeks, and before that, I only posted light-hearted things about my kids. I've found that I can look back over this blog and the posts I've written and kind of get a literal picture of where I am in my walk with Christ. And when I look back over the past month, it is obvious that my walk has been shallow and self-centered.

When I am walking closely with Him, spending time in the Word, on my knees in prayer, I can't help but write about the things that God is speaking to me. Lately, I've been so busy doing projects at church that I've neglected my time with Him. I've walked with some friends through a difficult season and have been confused and upset. Instead of turning to God and trusting His purposes, I've been angry. And sad.

Have you ever felt that way?! It's like you KNOW that you should be in prayer, you know you should walk patiently down the road before you trusting that His ways are better, yet you're just stuck in your own stubbornness and unwillingness to submit. I have. And sadly, I probably will again.

If I'm going to be completely honest, I need to also confess that I've been a little bit  hugely self righteous. I have been upset because people that I counted on to help me with some of these projects at church have been unwilling to help. Because I'm a "yes" person, I don't understand (or have sympathy) when people just refuse to help. Especially when they don't even respond or give you a reason why they can't help serve. They just DON'T. Do they have good excuses reasons? Absolutely! Is it my place to judge? Absolutely NOT. And I apologize  to those of you that I have been upset at (even if you didn't know I was). I'm positive that I was wrong and I'm really sorry.

(((((I'm trying to be completely transparent here with you, so try to not judge me too harshly on this next confession. I'm cringing as I type, but want to be honest with you in where I've been in hopes that it may help someone reading this. )))))

I was standing in my kitchen the week before last and talking complaining about how tired I was of being the person who always signed up to coordinate baby showers, take meals to the sick and new-moms, served on committees at church, did service projects, volunteered to help friends with anything they needed, etc. while raising two kids.  I am embarrassed to admit that I actually made the statement "I don't want to. They don't ever help me with anything". Shame! How ridiculously far I was from having the heart of a servant!

My husband said to me something along the lines of "but you're not doing it because of how you feel about them. You'd be doing it because of how you feel about Christ". Slap. In. The. Face. And I needed it. At that moment it was like a lightbulb clicked on and I realized how ridiculously petty and judgemental I had become. Who am I to judge why or why not someone else chooses to serve? Why is it my place to try to do everything myself instead of allowing God to use me as He sees fit? The bottom line is this. God has laid it on my heart to serve. Because of that calling, I need to be obedient and willing to do it- even if no one else does. Even when I'm tired. Even if I've had a sleepless night before. Even if it's hard.

Can this be taken too far? Yes, but friends, let me tell you- There is so much work left to be done in my heart! Sometimes it scares me that I've been a Christian for many years and grown up in the church, but still an so far off target of where I need to be. I have much more growth that needs to happen.

I was thinking about all of this in the shower the other day and remembered that poem that was supposedly written on the walls of Mother Teresa's room called "Anyway". I've heard it many times, but never 'got it' until this past week. Here it is:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

 If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

 If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

 If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

 If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

 Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

 In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

How have I missed this for so long? All the serving we do in the church, the mission projects we do in our communities and around the world, the tasks we keep ourselves busy doing...they are ALL a reflection of our relationship with Christ. Even the work I do in our home for my husband and kids. It's not because they 'deserve' it. It's because my acts of service to them in doing daily tasks are an act of worship to a worthy God. The next time I need to do things like washing and folding clothes, cleaning off the dirty high chair for the seventh time each day, picking up my husband's shoes, changing dirty diapers, sweeping my kitchen floor, or taking out the trash, I will stop and try to remember that even in these daily tasks, God can be glorified. 

As hard as it was to write this post, I am both convicted and motivated. What is God calling me to do? What is God calling you to do? In what areas have you been unwilling to submit?

I love each of you. To any that are still reading (and will still do so after this post), thanks for the grace you extend as you are shown what my heart really looks like. I will post tomorrow with pictures and information about the big clothing giveaway we did this past weekend. Have a great day!