Thursday, March 8, 2012

Getting rid of the masks...

To be completely honest and transparent with each of you...I am struggling.

I am in a difficult season full of amazing blessings. Although I am so grateful for each and every thing that I have been given, at times, it can be  a little completely overwhelming. My kids...they are incredible. They are funny and caring and loving. And like most kids they are also loud and needy and demanding.

There are several other things going on in my life lately and it all adds up to me sometimes blowing it.

 I mean it.

 It may be something as simple as forgetting to call someone important on their birthday or missing a scheduled meeting. But it also sometimes looks like a scene that played out in my house last week when I completely lost my temper and screamed at my child. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Mommy, when you act like that you are breaking God's heart". Talk about a wake up call.

I spent a few uninterrupted hours this past Sunday with some wise women. I bared my soul to them while we were piled in my mini-van. I confessed the ugliness of my heart at times, the temper that I seem to have developed that springs forth from nowhere, and how I sometimes wish that I could just run away for a few days. I confessed how I sometimes question why my kids are natured the way that they are and how I'm often jealous of my friends who are able to pass their kids off to their families frequently when they need a break. I spoke to them the words out loud that often run through my head each day. I held my breath and wondered what they must be thinking about me.

And you know what? They weren't shocked. They didn't gasp and point fingers and ask me how I could do or say such a thing. They loved on me. They helped me to re-frame the way that I was looking at things and helped me come up with a few ideas to try the next time that I am at the end of my very short rope. And you know what else? It felt good to share my thoughts out loud.To stop hiding behind the mask that says that I have it all figured out. Because let me tell you friend...I don't.

Over the next few days I received messages from them telling me that they were praying for me. Today, after being down with a crazy cold for the past five days, I texted each of them to ask for prayer. I was feeling awful and my kids had zapped every bit of gusto that I had left. I was fighting to stay in control and to not lose my temper. Within a few minutes of me asking them for prayer one called and said that she was coming to pick up K and was taking her all afternoon so I could have a break.

When I went outside to help get K loaded into her car, I looked in the mailbox and found a card from one of the other ladies. It was full of encouragement and the sweetest words I have read in a long time. She included an article from Family Life Today that spoke right to my heart. With these two acts, I felt renewed. Simply by knowing that I had two women who were doing whatever they could to help me keep going, I was stronger.

Please don't get me wrong about this. I love my life. I love my kids. But sometimes, I just get plain worn out. It is such a joy and privilege to know that others in similar situations not only feel the same way, but they are willing to pull me through the times when I can't quite do it by myself. And as hard as it is for me to admit it, there are times that I just need help.

Once K was gone to spend the afternoon with her best friend Mollie and Mack was in the bed, I was able to sit down and reflect. I was reminded of the words of Ann Voskamp who wrote:

God appoints people who do disappoint – to point to a God who never disappoints.”...
Appointed to be this mama to these children,
this wife to that husband,
this daughter, this sister, this church member —
appointed to this work, to this home,
to this marriage, to this relationship."

For reasons greater than I can understand, God made me the mama to these incredibly strong willed, difficult, amazingly wonderful kids. He appointed me to each of the roles that I carry...and I don't have to do them all perfectly. 

So today I am grateful for the people that remind me that I am not facing all of this alone. And that it's okay to fail. It's okay to admit that I am struggling. And it's okay to ask for help.

Is there a way that I can pray for you today? Love y'all!

1 comment:

  1. I'm sure the support you received brought tears to your eyes :) We ALL have thoughts like that. I often harbor a lot of resentment at other women and their husbands that have "normal jobs." Jobs that allow them to be home with their wife and kids at night and can offer an extra set of hands. I get so overwhelmed trying to do routines alone that I lose my temper too.
    I hope you feel better very soon!


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