Mothering is hard...

There is a quote that says, "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

This is absolutely true for me. I feel like from the time our first child was born, I have been struggling to fulfill the role of mother to my kids. If being completely honest with you I would say that it's been challenging at best and all consuming at worst. 

I have struggled through being a parent more than anything else in my life. I have been driven to my knees in prayer, overwhelmed with fear, and also unimaginably happy. It is the single most difficult thing that I have ever done. It involves sacrificing most everything for the happiness of another...to someone who is utterly and completely dependent upon you.

It means getting up in the middle of the night for the fourth time, even when you have a big day at work the next day. It's staying home with a colicy baby while all of your friends are going to the movies. It  means having your carpets and furniture full of food spill stains and sometimes, runny nose residue. 

But I am learning more and more lately, that is also means learning to love someone more than yourself. It means learning to give to someone that most of the time can't give back and being okay with it.  It means trying to pour every bit of yourself into this little person that may not seem to soak up any of it. 

For me parenting has meant struggling through anxiety and postpartum depression. It's caused me to come to a whole new reliance on an almighty God. A God that has demonstrated for us time and time again how to love our children and each other...by laying down our lives for another. 

God has used this journey in parenting to refine me, to bring to light all sorts of selfishness that I harbor in my heart, and to draw me nearer to Him. I am so very grateful for the lessons He is teaching me day by day and even more grateful that He keeps forgiving me and giving me another chance. 

I can honestly say that being a mother hasn't come easily or naturally for me. In an of myself, I am not enough to do this overwhelming job well. But God is. And I do not walk through this journey alone. 

I believe that children are a heritage from the Lord just as the Bible says and I am so incredibly grateful that He allowed me to be Karsyn's and Mack's mommy. They are the best things that have ever been mine- although I know that they are really His. My prayer is that God will shield them from all of the mistakes that I make and that I will love Him so much that my kids will be drawn to Him. 

As I celebrate my fourth Mother's Day tomorrow, I can honestly say that I am more in love with my kids more than ever before. And more importantly, I'm more in love with my Savior.  

God- use me and my children for Your glory!

For those of you that long to be Mothers and haven't yet been able to, I do not mean to seem insensitive. I know that God has different roles for all of us and that you can still have incredible influence over many lives, whether you are their mother or not. I know several amazing women that have changed the lives of many children around them through their love and support.  Never underestimate the power to changes lives that you have in whatever stage of life you may be in.